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Why I don't shop online more

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


A REAL-LIFE CUSTOMER SERVICE EXPERIENCE, DRAMATIZED.*

*only slightly

Me: I want to check on my shoes. They shipped six thousand days ago. I looked at the tracking, and they're back in New Jersey.

Lady: What's your order number?

Me: 7563875638bhg7467355^&&%748393bhfh6679596

Lady: Stephanie?

Me: Yes. 

Lady: It says "returned to sender." Why?

(long pause)

Me: That's... what I'm asking.

(42 minutes of faint typing)

Lady: It says "connection missed." What does that mean?

Me: THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING YOU. TO FIND OUT.

(12 minutes of faint typing)

Lady: The shoes came back here.

Me: I know.

Lady: If we send them again, won't the same thing happen?

Me: This... is just where I live. I've gotten plenty of packages before.

Lady: Is there another address we can send them to?

Me: No.

(76 minutes of faint typing)

Lady: We'll refund you, and if we can ship them again, you'll get charged again. Ok, great, bye?

Me: Wait...what do you mean "if"?

(heavy sigh)

Lady: Well, Ok, let me check if we have them.

Me: GREAT.

(87 minutes of faint typing)

Lady: We have them. We'll send them 2-day so they don't get lost.

Me: GREAT.

(217 minutes of life lost)

*****UPDATE*****

(I check bank account, see I have now been charged twice for non-existent ghost shoes. I call back.)

RECORDING: ALL OPERATORS ARE BUSY. YOU ARE NUMBER SEVEN IN LINE. EXPECTED WAIT TIME SIX MILLION MINUTES.

(Wait six million minutes)

Lady: Hello?

Me: Hi, I just called. My shoes got lost in the mail, and you re-shipped them, and now it looks like I've been charged twice.

Lady: What's your order number?

Me: 756387...

Lady: Wait, slow down.

Me: 7563875638bhg7467355^&&%748393bhfh6679596

Lady: Stephanie?

Me: Yes.

(46 minutes of faint typing)

Lady: When your lost pair gets back here, you'll be refunded.

Me: THEY ARE THERE. THEY'RE BACK IN NEW JERSEY. THAT'S THE POINT.

(65 minutes faint typing)

Lady: "Order returned to sender."

Me: YES. I KNOW.

Lady: Ok, I'm going to send a request up to my supervisor for the refund.

Me: How long will that take?

Lady: Two business days.

Me: (Nothing. There are no words.)

(Total life lost = 328 minutes. Total charges for shoes = 2. Total shoes acquired = 0.)

(Scene)

 
Nataliedee.com
(Note: It wasn't Zappos. But this feels so right.)

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