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I exist on carbs and shame

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I have to document this before I forget.

You guys, I had the WORST NUTRITION DAY EVER. Worse than the time in high school when I had Lucky Charms followed by Taco Bell followed by Chinese food. Well, maybe. Anyway.

It was Thursday. I was craving a bagel, so I picked up a half-dozen to bring to work because it never feels right buying just one bagel. I ate said bagel about 11 a.m., which was kind of late, so I didn't have lunch after that.

About 3:30 p.m., my body came to the stark realization I hadn't had anything other than a sesame bagel and caffeine all day. I started shaking, getting warm, feeling like I needed to lie down. I checked my desk for something nourishing. Finding nothing, I settled on the partial box of $5 Milk Duds left from when the Scarface movie reel broke down last week at the very special one-time engagement that turned out to be a sham. Interestingly, there were A LOT of Milk Duds in that box, way more than you would think. I guess they all kind of squish together or whatever. Anyway, I ate them ALL, EVERY SINGLE MILK DUD, REALLY FAST, IN MY FACE.

Then, instead of magically feeling better, I felt warmer, and I had to grip my Diet Coke can with two hands to lift it to my dried mouth. It was then I realized I hadn't had a single glass of water all day, just Diet Coke and coffee. So I got a glass of water, which helped a little.

Just when I started to stabilize, I had to leave for a work thing. By this point, my body had entered a state of starvation ketosis, and my tissue was actually feeding on itself. So I ran by Tijuana Flats and picked up two tacos. I ate one in five minutes flat while applying false eyelashes and strapping on high heels and wiggling my ID out of the wallet case to move to a clutch. I discovered a black bean in my grill mere moments before embarking for the event. Nonetheless, I felt very slim and healthy for only eating one taco. I was so proud of myself for my superhuman caloric restraint. Moderation! It's the road to thinness!

Over the next several hours, I had two flutes of champagne, a large Diet Coke and a partial glass of Pinot Grigio. When I returned home, I sat on the couch for a while watching reruns of Hoarders and contemplating the extra taco in the fridge, contrasting the feeling of immediate satisfaction with the long-lasting feeling of thinness I would get by overcoming my temptation in full. Then I ate the taco. This was about midnight. Also, there were some chips in there and I might have had those, too.

So, in summary, on Thursday I ate:

Diet Coke
Sesame bagel
67 Milk Duds
One water
One taco
Two flutes champagne
Diet Coke
One partial glass wine
One more taco


  1. I give you credit - that second taco wouldn't have made it much longer than the first taco if this were my day, and the sesame bagel would have been a calorie-trap French toast bagel :) Sometimes it's just hard to eat decently, especially when your schedule varies with work events and other fun stuff!

  2. I think, looking back, I just didn't have time to eat the second taco right away. It was always destined for my mouth. :)